BE Authentic!

“Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world.”           --  Adam Grant, Ph.D.


Being your authentic self requires finding the sweet spot, or balance, between who you are internally and how you interact with others. This includes the fun and positive sides of yourself that you are happy to share and the darker sides of yourself that you’ve worked hard to acknowledge and manage in all your internal and external interactions.


If you have come to that comfortable place with your inner self and its outer expression, you’ve probably found answers to questions like:

• How do others see me?
• How do I see myself?
• How concerned am I with how others see me?
• What values matter most to me?
• Does something need to change?
• If I make changes to be fully authentic, how might others see me?
• How will I feel and what will I do if the reaction is negative? Positive? Neutral?

If you have started asking and answering these questions, you’ve accomplished a lot. Pat yourself on the back! If not, you have some work to do, if you choose to do it (no pressure!). If you want or need to begin the search for that sweet spot of authenticity, you can ask and answer those big questions. The process is not a quick fix. It requires some focused discipline.


Honestly, it took me until I was fiftyish to stop ‘shoulding’ on myself, get real and start living authentically from the inside out. No surprise, not everyone was happy with that. What being authentic meant for me was dropping the ‘credit to the race, good girl, put everyone else first’ syndrome. Some folks were shocked, disappointed or openly hostile when I sprouted an Afro,’ and gave up the business suits and heels in favor of yoga pants and sandals. Of course, if I had started asking myself those questions earlier, I may have realized the answers sooner and avoided some of the social backlash (hint! hint!). So, to begin or continue your quest, consider these suggestions as breadcrumbs to follow.

• Develop and deepen your self-awareness skills. 
• Accept what you find with compassion and without judgment.
• Understand that your answers may change as you age and change; be flexible.
• Don’t compare yourself to others. This is hard. Find ways to work around it.
• Be sure that any conscious internal shifts or external changes you make are made because they help you be more like you and not like someone else. As Ru Paul says, “You were not born to fit in. You were born to stand out.”
• If you find an external or internal attribute that can’t be changed, accept it, embrace it and manage it as part of who you authentically are.

Sometimes you may find that the pull comes from wanting your outside to match your inside, and sometimes it’s the inside that wants to match the outside. Be very clear about which is the stronger pull for you. Disconnects between your inner self and its outer expression can get complicated. If you doubt that, just ask anyone who identifies as transgender, or someone who is outwardly a ten on the ‘wow she/he is hot scale’ but who has serious self-esteem issues.


Finding your sweet spot of authenticity has little to do with standards of beauty and acceptance and more to do with finding a way to be 100% authentic and comfortable in your own skin. Remember, it’s important to understand that the answers you find may be very different from the answers your friends, family and social groups may wish for you.  No one key fits all locks.


Answers and solutions can come from different sources: yourself, a friend, a program, workshop, a teacher, a self-help book and so on. In some instances, it may be therapy. If you need help, seek it!


Practice: Your Right and Responsibility to Live an Authentic Life
Your Right: I have the right to acknowledge and embrace my authentic self.


Matching your external behavior to your internal truth is easier said than done, and not always possible, but here are three actions that indicate authenticity:


1. You are able to say what you mean and mean what you say.
2. You accept yourself, as you are, warts and all – nobody’s perfect.
3. You are living much of your life with moment to moment self-awareness because “The past is history, tomorrow’s a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.”


When you are feeling deeply authentic, you may experience a sense of calm, ease, free flowing energy, or a sense of expansion. When this happens there is nothing to do but relax and enjoy your authentic self!


Your Responsibility: I have a responsibility to be aware of and to manage my actions in situations where I can’t be 100% authentic.


There are always circumstances where being 100% authentic can be difficult, not advisable or even possible. Here are a few examples.


Example 1. You are in a meeting, making a presentation that you have worked on for months and are being interrupted with objections before you can finish sharing your ideas.


Example 2. You are an hourly worker being hassled by your boss.


Example 3. You’re trying to remain calm at Thanksgiving dinner with your family who disapprove of your lifestyle and your politics.


If you are unable to respond authentically in these situations, you may feel shut down and blocked. Before you respond or react, tune into your body and watch for sensations. Everyone is different, but some common sensations in difficult situations might be a headache, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, digestive upsets or back pain. Tuning into body sensations helps you connect to the state of your body-mind so you can consciously choose an appropriate response that might ease or shift the situation. If that doesn’t work, you can take some long deep breaths to relieve your stress and patiently wait it out until you can leave.


Whenever and however you choose find and reveal your authentic self, remember this:


“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
— Brene Brown

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