True Self-Care

The first post I did on this topic was Self-Care 101.  It focused on identifying, understanding and managing your stress levels in order to jump-start a self-care routine.  It concluded with a list of suggested self-care practices such as joining supportive social groups, developing a healthy lifestyle and finding ways to volunteer and 'give back'.  All of these are good techniques and positive ways to manage stress, but, in my opinion, true self-care runs deeper and requires more introspection. That's the topic of this post.

An important aspect of my self-care is humor. So, when a comedian hosts a talk show.  I watch. On a recent episode of Sherri Shepard's show, she interviewed Susan Lucci, best known for portraying Erica Kane on the ABC daytime drama All My Children.  When discussing the importance of self-care, Erica told Sherri that one of the first things to do is to, “Put yourself on your to-do list.”

That’s step one. Once you’ve done that, you move on to define what true self-care means to you, and how you can embody it in your life. Initially you, like me and many others, may turn to one or more of the wellness industry’s products such as spa weekends, meditation apps, yoga classes, regular massages, or a supplement promising more energy. 

Sometimes we are drawn to, engage in and expect these products to do one of three things: ​

1. Provide an escape from stress, trauma or other difficult situations.
2. Help you accomplish a goal such as a degree or certificate (do-able with intention and perseverance), or enlightenment, which will take longer than a week-long retreat.
3. Help you deal with a major life change by offering success in 'nine easy steps'.

There is nothing wrong with any of these self-care and self-improvement ideas. Many of them can be helpful, as long as you approach your choice by understanding how it will fit into your overall well-being AND the deeper aspects of what you truly need. Any technique or program you choose can work for you, IF you consider the following factors:

• It's something that fits your personal whole life needs
• It's something you choose to bring you internal satisfaction and not external approval or promise. E.g. you do it because your friends are doing it or because the provider offers a guarantee.
• You have a solid certainty that this activity, perspective, or change will feed all your five layers-body, breathe/energy, mind, witness and bliss.

Before you make a final decision on any technique or program, make sure to follow Iyanla VanZant’s advice to “Pause Boo.” This means paying attention to the space between the idea or desire and the action that results. During the pause, take the time to scan your five layers to see if any of them talk back. Listen and Pause before responding! For example:

• Your body says: Girlfriend, at this age your low back does not want a fast paced aerobics class. Pause: Your conscious response. Right. My body needs gentle movement.
• Your breath/energy says: Really? Four days a week? Do you have the time or energy? Pause: Your conscious response. Okay then. I’ll start with one time per week and build up slowly.
• Your mind says: Sweetie, c’mon, do you really think you can sit in meditation for 45 minutes, first time out? Pause: Your conscious response. Fine. I’ll start with five minutes and see how it goes.
• The Witness says: Please consider what would be truly good for all our layers before you make a choice. Pause: Your conscious response. Good point. Will do! 
•  Bliss says: What will bring you the most true contentment and joy? Pause: Your conscious response. Hmm. I need to think long and hard about this. 

After working through my five layers and dealing with their questions, I know that after laughter, the next go-to for my personal self-care is movement. I have an absolute need to move my body and I’m thankful every day that I still can! That love of physical movement led to years of hiking and backpacking which has given way to yoga, and walking. All my layers are in agreement. 

One other factor to consider is that your choices for true self care will likely change depending on the life stage you are in. The yoga tradition lists four:
​

1. Student: As a student (or child) one learns about one’s role in family and society.
2. Adult: As an adult one raises a family and/or makes a contribution to society through relationships, work, or volunteer efforts.
3. Mid-Life: One begins the preparatory work for later life and retirement for those with jobs and careers.
4. Golden Years: One may decide to turn the final years into a focused opportunity for creativity, volunteer work, hobbies, travel, caring for family, and/or spiritual pursuits. 

​
Each one of these stages will present situations needing different types of self-care. And like your fingerprint, your choices for self-care need to be right for you, your stage of life and your situation. 

I have reached my golden years and as one of my students observed, It’s weighty being eighty, so me and my layers needed to re-make my self-care package. One key concept I am learning to follow is to conserve energy by pacing myself. It has not been easy for the get it all done, multi-tasking attitude and energy of my younger self. I’ve had to do much internal introspection to match my outer reality to my internal needs. That means fewer social obligations, taking rest breaks between activities and selecting only those extra projects that fill me with contentment. I’m still working on this, but I’m making progress and my five layers thank me in many ways; better sleep, and digestion to name two. After all, as someone in my writers group said, “I’m not build for speed, I’m built to last.”

True self-care is taking back and owning your power to move through your life in our complicated world with a measure of clarity, contentment and resilience. 

Embrace your process and focus on the journey not the destination.

---

---