T is for Tact: How to embody yours

This is the third post in my blog series based on Bitchcraft, Owning Your Power in a Complicated World. If you missed the first two posts, you can read them here. 

The third letter in the Bitchcraft skill development program is ‘T.’ T stands for tact. What is tact? Here's a definition from The Virtues Project. “Tact is telling the truth kindly. We think before we speak, aware of how deeply our words affect others. Tact is essential when we feel strong emotions like anger. It helps us discern what to say and what is better left unsaid. Tact is good timing. It is the diplomacy of the heart.”

Advertising executive Howard W. Newton is credited with saying, “Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”  And Dr. Seuss, author and cartoonist says, “Step with care and great tact, and remember that life's A Great Balancing Act.” 

Yes, life’s a great balancing act and we are constantly walking the tightrope. Tact is the Bitchcraft skill that helps us keep our balance. To build this skill we need healthy communication skills.

Here's a true story of how I tried to be tactful in a difficult situation. The operative word in this example is tried.

During the Covid 19 pandemic, in-person exercise classes at the local ‘Y’ were cancelled so another woman and I decided to meet three times a week to walk at a local mall. I was delighted to have an exercise buddy who was consistent and always on time. As delightful as that was, it didn’t take long before our vastly different beliefs, views and opinions on a wide variety of topics like politics, religion, and social hot potatoes such as abortion, immigration and LGBTQ+ issues surfaced. We agreed to disagree and spent most of our walking time talking about exercise, food, natural medicine and family. 

Mostly that worked, but on more than one occasion her strong and frequently stated political and religious values bumped up against what I saw as a lack of empathy, compassion and understanding for others. When she brought up those ‘agree to disagree’ topics, I listened but did not engage other than to tactfully ask a question or acknowledge that I understood her views even though I disagreed with most of them. Then came the last straw that made me seriously consider ending our exercise partnership. Here’s what happened.

I’d heard an amazing story on a daytime talk show and during our walk one day shared it. Looking back I probably shouldn’t have, but that’s water under the bridge now. The story was about two women married to each other. To grow their family, they chose to have a child through sperm donation. Their marriage eventually ended, but years later the daughter located the sperm donor through a DNA test. He agreed to meet her and then he and the mom fell in love and got married. I thought it was a wonderful warm and fascinating story of synchronicity, love and happy endings. 

My walking partner’s response was, “So, he married one of the its.”  

See me stunned! 
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In an effort to be tactful, I did not confront her statement. I paused and then asked her why she called the mom and her former wife its. She said the women were confused, and didn’t know who they were. I replied as calmly as I could that they were two women in a marriage that didn’t work out and that they were human beings not its. She said again, with intensity, that they were its and were confused about who they were. 

Clearly, she was not open to reconsidering her point of view and I saw no way to continue the conversation, so I chose to say nothing. Into the heavy silence that followed, she said she understood we had different opinions but that, “We’re cool.”  

I accepted this as her way of addressing the exchange and agreed we had a difference of opinion. However, in my mind, we were not cool. If she had said homosexuality was wrong, according to her personal and religious beliefs, and stopped there, I could have accepted that as her way to respond to my story, but calling the women its and stripping them of their worth and humanity crossed all lines of empathy, compassion and understanding in my book. Here are a few questions for you to consider about my experience:

• Where in the story was I tactful (or not)?
• Where in the story was she tactful (or not)?
• Could I have been more tactful in that situation? 
• Could my walking partner have been more tactful?

By the way, in case you were wondering, we remained walking partners until her health issues intervened. 
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One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard about how to improve your communication skills, and be more tactful in difficult situations, came from Iyanla VanZant in her interview on Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday (11/5/17). She said, simply, “Pause, Boo!” Here are a few helpful ways to do that. 

1. Think before you speak. Take a deep breath and consider ways to respond tactfully with respect. Or you can ask yourself, ‘Is this the best time to share my thoughts?’ If not - - - don’t. It’s your choice, just make sure it’s a conscious one. 

2. Choose your words carefully. Consider the ‘sandwich’ method for handling challenging conversations. First, say something positive to acknowledge the experience and the other person. Second, share how the situation made you feel – using ‘I’ statements. Then suggest a way forward, set needed boundaries or respectfully end the conversation. 

3. Listen to the other person's viewpoint. Try to see things from their point of view before you respond, especially if you disagree – yes, I know that can be HARD! Ask questions if you need clarification. Don’t be afraid to disagree, but do it as sensitively as you can. 

As you work to embody tact as a life skill, look for and select techniques you are comfortable with and can commit to doing as part of your own personal strategy for cultivating your Bitchcraft skills. You’ll find more information about Bitchcraft here.

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