R-e-s-p-e-c-t: Find out what it means to me

R-e-s-p-e-c-t. Find out what it means to me. You may recognize these words from the famous song by Aretha Franklin. For me, respect means sensitivity toward the feelings, wishes, rights, beliefs or traditions of other people. It’s recognizing the incredible diversity that exists in this complicated world of ours. Showing respect means honoring the basic humanity of others despite disagreements, dislike or even disgust.

When we show respect for others we’re able to emerge from a world of black/white, right/wrong, true/false dichotomies to see the world in all of its complexity and shades of grey. As complicated as this sounds, it is the world we live in.

Too many human beings otherize individuals and groups because of prejudice, bias or a wide ranging list of ‘isms’ such as sexism, racism, genderism, ableism, ageism, or disapproval of those who identify as LGBTQ+. Sadly, this includes stripping others of their basic humanity to exist. One of the best ways to respect the humanity of others is to understand the difference between acceptance and approval.  

Acceptance, I believe, is the state of ‘I receive you as you are.’ It’s the ability to see others, and have others see you first as a human being; to value, and understand that you and everyone else on the planet has a right to their own expression of who they are and what they believe. This includes those whose actions, and beliefs are diametrically opposed to yours. 

And here’s the get out of jail card that allows us to be repulsed and pissed about those whose actions and beliefs we can never and will never be comfortable with - acceptance does not mean approval. Approval means agreeing, condoning, sanctioning, or endorsing someone or something that is being presented. Getting approval moves beyond acceptance. 

I believe we have a human right to expect acceptance. When we do not get it, we will need to affirm our humanity to ourselves even if we’ll never get it from others. But when we seek approval, we’re asking others to agree that who we are or what we’ve created or accomplished is condoned, embraced, endorsed or supported. No surprise that’s easier said than done!

Respect, like most social skills can be learned. But first we must open our minds and our hearts. If we are able to pause when uncomfortable words or actions come our way, we’ll be able to consider how to respond with respect; to find a way to see and accept the difficult situation and then respond as best we can with respect for the other person’s humanity even as we strongly disapprove of what we are hearing or seeing. We always have the right to express our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants and needs in honest and appropriate ways. Along with that, we have to shoulder the responsibility to respect the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants and needs of others. 

How do we do that? We need to find the tiny pause between what we hear or see in order to respond respectfully instead of reacting with a shoot-from-the-hip retort that we may regret. Here’s an in the moment practice from the yoga tradition that might help.  

Finding The Pause: Your Practice
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard about how to stop and consider how to react or respond came from Iyanla VanZant in her interview on Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday (11/5/17). She said, simply, “Pause, Boo!”

The Four Part Breath, can help us find that all-important pause allowing us to consciously  be ‘in the moment’ and respond productively to whatever is happening within us and around us, especially if it involves interacting with others. 

The Four Part Breath
There are four parts to every breath we take. Two of those parts are obvious. We inhale and we exhale. The other two parts are always there, but unless we pay attention we don’t notice them. They are the pause after we inhale before the exhale and the pause after the exhale before we inhale. Becoming aware of and paying attention to these two parts can help you learn to “Pause Boo!” Here’s the how and the why.

Instructions: the How

1. Take a comfortable position, seated or lying down.
2. Begin by placing your attention on your breath without trying to change it in any way.
3. Notice your inhale and your exhale. Watch these two parts of your breath a few times as you become familiar with the flow of breath in and out.
4. Then begin to notice that there is a momentary pause at the end of each inhale and at the end of each exhale.
5. Just let your awareness of the four parts of the breath continue without trying to change the inhale, the exhale or the length of the pauses in between. You may find that the pauses lengthen gradually and naturally. Your job is to notice with awareness.
6. Over the practice you may find that when the breath pauses, so does the mind and your thoughts. Welcome to the ‘pause.’ 
7. Continue watching and noticing for 2 to 5 minutes or longer if you are comfortable. Set a timer if you need it.

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The Why
Both medical professionals and alternative health care practitioners recognize the many ways that awareness of your breath and breathing patterns is a major factor in connecting body and mind and influencing behavior. 

Awareness of how you are breathing ‘in the moment’ is key to finding the all-important pause and the mental/emotional space needed to listen and watch carefully in order to form an honest but respectful response to what you are dealing with. Practicing when you are not in a difficult situation will help you call on this technique when you find yourself in one.

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