A is for Authenticity: A skill to embody

This is the eighth post in my blog series based on Bitchcraft, Owning Your Power in a Complicated World. If you missed the previous posts, you can read them here. Each post references a letter in the word Bitchcraft. This month it’s A is for Authenticity.

Being your authentic self requires finding the sweet spot, or balance, between who you are internally and how you interact with others. This includes the fun and positive sides of yourself you are happy to share, along with awareness of the shadow sides of yourself you need to unearth, acknowledge and manage.

If you have come to a comfortable place with your inner self and your outer expression, you’ve probably found answers to these questions:

• How do others see me?
• How do I see myself?
• If I express my true authentic self, will that change how others see me?
• What will I do if the reactions are negative? Positive? Neutral?

If you have started asking and answering these questions, you’ve accomplished a lot. Pat yourself on the back! If not, you have some work to do if you choose to do it  - - - no pressure, but kudos to you if you take the challenge. It took me until I was fiftyish to stop ‘shoulding’ on myself, get real and start living authentically from the inside out. What being authentic meant for me was dropping the ‘credit to the race, put everyone else first,’ good girl syndrome. Some folks were shocked, disappointed or openly hostile when I sprouted an Afro,’ and gave up business suits and heels in favor of yoga pants, sandals and a toe ring. Of course, if I had started asking myself those questions earlier, I might have realized the answers sooner and avoided some of the backlash  - - - hint, hint.

Matching external behavior to internal truth is easier said than done, and not always possible, but here are three actions that indicate authenticity:

1. You are able to say what you mean and mean what you say
2. You accept yourself, as you are, warts and all – nobody’s perfect
3. You are living most of your life with authenticity based in deep self-awareness

Unfortunately, there will always be circumstances where being 100% authentic can be difficult, not advisable or even possible. Here are a few examples.

• You are a woman in a meeting making a presentation you have worked on for months. Your presentation is ignored. Then a man presents the same idea and it is readily accepted. This is called ‘hepeating.’ It’s a verb; e.g. He totally hepeated me! The term was coined by friends of US physics professor and astronomer Nicole Gugliucci, who announced it to the world in a tweet on September, 22, 2017.
• You are an hourly worker being hassled by your boss.
• You’re trying to remain calm at Thanksgiving dinner with your family who disapprove of your lifestyle and your politics.

If you are unable to respond authentically in these situations, you may feel shut down and blocked, leaving you to silently fume and stuff or react in an unproductive way with snarky shoot-from-the-hip comments. Take a moment, tune into your body and watch for sensations. Everyone is different, but some common sensations in difficult situations might be a headache, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, digestive upsets or low back or hip pain. Tuning into body sensations helps you connect to the state of your mind so you can consciously choose an appropriate response to ease or shift the situation. If speaking up is not wise or possible, you can consciously take some slow deep breaths to relieve your stress until you can leave.

My good friend M. shared this quote with me when we were discussing how to deal with difficult people, “Sometimes the only winning move is not to play.”  That’s a great response as long as it’s done consciously.

The practice of Grounding can help you with this process and can be especially useful in tense situations. Grounding calms the nervous system and helps you manage your stress levels. The benefits of grounding either as an intention or a practice can encourage and deepen feelings of safety, security and connection to your body, your breath and your mind.

To successfully connect with yourself, you first need to inhabit your body – no matter its condition or ability. One example of language that sharpens this association is the phrase ‘stand your ground.’ When you are grounded, you will be better able to:

• Manage O.P.E. (other people’s energy) and how it affects you; especially when it’s toxic
• Witness and manage your thoughts and emotions, ‘in the moment’
• Make better decisions from a place of authenticity, and self-awareness

This visualization practice can be done anytime, anywhere and in any situation. It’s one of my favorites.

Instructions
When ready, turn your internal attention to your feet, and feel the weight of your body pressing into the soles of your feet as the connection between your feet, earth or any object they rest on deepens. Visualize your body growing roots, starting from the base of your spine, reaching down through your legs to the bottoms of your feet and from the bottoms of your feet through the earth’s crust. Visualize your roots branching and spreading, growing stronger and reaching deeper into the earth’s core. Feel the strength, support, the stability and the grounding. Feel your branching roots give you the ability to ‘stand your ground,’ speak your truth or consciously choose not to. Allow these feelings to fill your entire being. When you feel ready (and if the situation allows) stretch your body in any way you like and slowly return to your day.

And please remember, all of us have the right to embody and express our authentic true selves. We need to believe it with confidence in order to embrace it in our mind and body and then find assertive and appropriate ways to express it.

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